


But I'm Not Spider-Man!

by HanukoYoukai



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Misunderstandings, Peter Parker isn't Spider-Man, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24963820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanukoYoukai/pseuds/HanukoYoukai
Summary: He was prepared to nod along with whatever speech the man had about being a perfect gentleman, and no means no and whatever else he had to say when it came to protecting his daughter.He was not prepared for the gun Mr. Toomes pulled out of the glove compartment.Or, Toomes has that same conversation with Peter after taking him and Liz to Homecoming.Unfortunately, Peter has no clue what he's talking about.
Comments: 18
Kudos: 99





	But I'm Not Spider-Man!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toad_in_the_road](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toad_in_the_road/gifts).



> So, one of my readers left a comment on a chapter of [Omertà](http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/19810759/chapters/46906381) about how something I wrote reminded them of a video they saw where Peter wasn't Spider-Man. Then, they sent me [this link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcLtyRLpr8k) and I just about died laughing. 
> 
> Ever since then, I have had this little idea wiggling around in my brain, demanding to be written. 
> 
> Thanks toad_in_the_road for the inspiration! I hope you enjoy!

“What are you gonna do, Pete?” Mr. Toomes asked as they drove down the road, pulling Peter out of his daze. How could Liz look so attractive taking a _selfie?_

“What?” he asked, shaking himself a little.

“When you graduate. What do you think you’re going to do?”

“Oh,” Peter said, shrugging a bit. “I uh—I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Don’t grill him, Dad,” Liz said. Peter looked over at her, and she rolled her eyes playfully.

“All you guys who go to that school, you have your life planned out, right?” Mr. Toomes continued.

Peter shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m just a sophomore, so,” Peter trailed off a little helplessly, looking at Liz for help. His contact slid, blurring his vision. He blinked it back in place. 

Liz leaned forward. “Peter has an internship with Tony Stark, so I don’t think he has to worry,” she said, smugly. Peter winced. He hadn’t told Liz he stopped working there.

“Really?” Mr. Toomes asked, impressed. “Stark? What do you do?”

“Actually, I don’t intern for him anymore,” Peter said, glancing at Liz apologetically.

“Seriously?” Liz asked.

“Yeah,” Peter said, chuckling a little. “It got, um, boring.”

Liz raised her eyebrows and lowered her head. “Boring?” she asked, disbelief coloring her tone. Peter shrugged a little. It was hard to explain to his peers why he dropped it. Ned nearly had an aneurysm. It really wasn’t as great as it sounded. Other than some tech stuff he developed (which he couldn’t even get real credit for, because it was for Spider-Man) most of his job involved pushing papers and running coffee to people. “You got to hang out with Spider-Man.”

“Really?” Mr. Toomes asked, curious. “Spider-Man? Wow. What’s he like?”

Peter sighed internally. He wondered how much Liz wanted to go out with him because she liked him, and how much she wanted to go out with him because he knew Spider-Man. And he used the word _knew_ very generously.

“Yeah, he’s a nice man. Solid dude,” Peter responded, like he always did to anyone who asked, cursing Ned for blabbing. Yes, it was extremely cool that Peter actually met the superhero from Queens. Everyone asking him about it was decidedly not. Liz distracted him with a meme on her phone and he grinned, ready to pull out his own phone to show her a new video he found.

“I’ve seen you around right? Have we ever… because even your voice—” Mr. Toomes said, gesturing around his own throat. Peter shrugged. He couldn’t remember meeting Mr. Toomes prior to now, but they may have met in passing at a Decathlon meet or something.

“Peter does Academic Decathlon with me,” Liz said. Peter nodded in agreement. “And he was at my party.”

“That was a great party,” Peter said. “Really great. Beautiful house, lot of windows” he babbled, nervously.

“You were there for like, two seconds,” Liz said, nudging him.

Peter colored in embarrassment. He had gotten an asthma attack and left early, but he hadn’t told her. It was not his best moment. “I was there longer than two seconds.”

“You disappeared,” Liz continued. Peter raised his eyebrows at her and glanced to her dad, trying to psychically tell her to quit implying he ditched out on important things.

“No,” Peter said, “No, I did not disappear.” He absolutely disappeared.

“Yes you did, just like you always do. Like how you disappeared in DC, too,” Liz went on. Peter sighed. He had gotten ill in DC. Mr. Harrington knew all the details. Peter unwittingly ate something he was allergic to, and it caused him massive distress. The science teacher knew that Peter got enough crap from Flash and others in school, so he kept quiet about the circumstances that prevented him from participating. Only Ned knew how he spent half the night puking.

The car rolled to a stop at the traffic light. Mr. Toomes let out a long sigh. “That was terrible, what happened in DC. Were you scared?”

What kind of question is that? Peter wondered. Who wouldn’t be scared? He nodded.

“I bet you were glad your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, huh?”

Peter _was_ glad. It was absolutely terrifying, standing next to Michelle when the building cracked in front of them. Spider-Man paused right next to them, and Michelle had the sense to tell him their friends were trapped inside. The superhero took off and climbed up the building faster than anything Peter had ever seen.

“I actually didn’t go up,” Peter stuttered. “I saw it all from the ground.” When Ned and Cindy and Abe and even Flash came out, Peter burst into relieved tears. Ned went on and on about how freaking cool it was the Spider-Man saved his life, and all Peter could do was thank God he hadn’t lost someone else, hugging friend in the least manly way possible. “We were pretty lucky that he was there that day.”

“Good old Spider-Man,” Mr. Toomes continued, staring at Peter through the rearview mirror as the light turned green. Peter furrowed his brow, uncomfortable that he was the subject of such intense scrutiny. 

“Dad,” Liz said, looking between them. “The light?”

Mr. Toomes didn’t have much else to say for the rest of the drive, leaving Liz and Peter alone. They laughed quietly and talked about all kinds of things, from classes to new shows on Netflix. Peter was really relaxed by the time they arrived at the dance. He moved to open his door so he could let Liz out, but her dad stopped him.

“You head in there, gumdrop,” he said. “I’m gonna give Peter the ‘dad’ talk.” Peter swallowed nervously, looking at Liz for help. The calm he was feeling moments before had evaporated.

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t let him intimidate you,” she said, breezily. Peter blushed and smiled at her. “Love you,” she said to Mr. Toomes, kissing her dad on the cheek.

“Love you, gumdrop,” Mr. Toomes replied, smiling as she walked away from the car. Peter sighed and sat back a little, waiting for the spiel, ready to tell him that May would be there to pick them up at 11:30, and unless Liz was hungry, they would bring her straight home. He was prepared to nod along with whatever speech the man had about being a perfect gentleman, and no means no and whatever else he had to say when it came to protecting his daughter.

He was not prepared for the gun Mr. Toomes pulled out of the glove compartment. Peter’s blood drained from his face and he pressed himself as far back as he could in the backseat, eyes narrowing on the silver gun in the man’s hand. The last time he was so close to a gun was when his uncle was shot in front of him. Peter’s heart hammered in his chest and he tried to control his breathing.

Mr. Toomes turned around and stared at him with a very serious, very calculating expression on his face. “Does she know?”

Peter blinked, completely baffled, eyes darting between the gun and his face. “Know what?”

“So she doesn’t.” _What?_ “Good. Close to the vest. I admire that. I’ve got a few secrets of my own.” Peter wanted to tell him he had absolutely _no_ secrets at all, and he didn’t understand why he was being threatened with a gun. This was New York. He was a kid, for God’s sake! Why would he have to worry about an angry dad with a firearm pointed at him?

“Of all the reasons I didn’t want my daughter to date,” Mr. Toomes chuckled. “Peter, nothing is more important that family,” he said seriously. “Now you saved my daughter’s life, and I could never forget something like that.” Peter shook his head. When had he ever saved Liz’s life? He really liked Liz, but the best thing he ever did for her was give her his stupid chocolate pudding cup that day she was freaking out over midterms. “Now I’m gonna give you one chance—”

“Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Peter said, desperately, trembling as he stared at the gun held loosely in Mr. Toomes’s grip.

“Don’t interrupt,” Mr. Toomes said, coldly. “You walk through those doors, you forget any of this ever happened and don’t you ever, ever, interfere with my business again.”

“I’ve—I’ve never interfered with your business? I barely know what you do—Liz said something about salvage.”

“Funny,” Mr. Toomes chuckled. “You still trying to act like you’re not Spider-Man.”

Peter let out a high nervous laugh. “I’m not Spider-Man,” he said, shaking his head and smiling nervously. “I’m fifteen. How could I be Spider-Man?”

“Do not,” Mr. Toomes said, tone icy as he lifted his gun, “interrupt me.” Peter swallowed and felt his eyes water. He just wanted to get out of the car. “Now if you interfere with my business again—”

“But I didn’t the first time! What kind of business are you doing that Spider-Man is getting involved?” Mr. Toomes growled and Peter held his hands in front of him, as if that would stop him from being shot. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I talk when I’m nervous I—”

“If Spider-Man interferes with my business tonight, I will kill you,” Mr. Toomes steamrolled on, making Peter snap his jaw shut. “I will kill you _dead._ Then I’ll kill everyone you love. There is nothing I won’t do to protect my family,” he said with finality.

“But, sir, I—I—I can’t help it if Spider-Man shows up. I know I said I met him and I did but it’s not like we’re buddies or anything. It’s not like I can DM him and be like, ‘hey, Spidey, leave Mr. Toomes alone or he’ll kill me,’ or anything.” Mr. Toomes glared at him. “Not that I wouldn’t if I did! Totally would if I was like, friends with him, but I’m not, so I can’t—”

Mr. Toomes shook his head. “I’m tired of this game, Spider-Man,” he said. He glared so fiercely at Peter, it made him shiver. “Do you understand me?”

“Mr. Toomes—”

He cocked the gun. Peter’s heart pounded against his ribcage as she stared at the weapon, breath caught in his throat.

“Do you understand me?” Peter trembled and nodded, because what else could he do?

“Good,” Mr. Toomes said, smiling and putting the gun away. “Now, you treat my daughter to a nice night, alright?”

“Okay, Mr. Toomes,” Peter stuttered, grabbing the door handle.

“Hey,” Mr. Toomes said, halting him. Peter stared at him with wide eyes. “I just saved your life. What do you say?”

“Sir?”

“When someone does something for you, you say something. I thought you had better manners than this,” Mr. Toomes tutted, smirking at him.

Peter gaped at him for a minute. Holy shit, this guy was _nuts._ “Thank you?”

Mr. Toomes’s smirk turned into a menacing smile. “You’re welcome, Pedro. Go on.” Peter didn’t need telling twice. He flung the door open and climbed out of the car so fast, he thought he might trip over himself. Mr. Toomes rolled down the passenger window, freezing Peter with a look.

“Don’t forget our little talk,” he said with a grin before peeling out of the parking lot. Peter stumbled to the sidewalk and sat down, pulling his phone out of his pocket, immediately calling May. He couldn’t breathe. He had to get out of there. He’d text Ned and tell him to tell Liz that he couldn’t date her, not after the _dad_ talk he just got. How the hell was he supposed to not be intimidated? He had a freaking gun!

His aunt picked up after the third ring. “Hello?”

“May?” Peter asked, voice trembling. “Can you please, _please_ come get me? I want to come home.” May asked what was wrong, and of course she would pick him up, but what about Liz? Peter felt a twinge of guilt over ditching her, but it was swallowed by his panic. He would ask Michelle to take Liz home, since they lived in the same neighborhood. He just helped her out on her calculus homework, so she owed him one. Besides, she’d never leave one of her friends stranded.

After he ended the call with May, he wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked back and forth on the steps. The teenager wondered if Spider-Man was getting ready to confront Mr. Toomes right now, and he was terrified at the very idea of them fighting, mostly because he didn’t know what it meant for _him._ For the first time in a couple of weeks, Peter dialed Mr. Hogan’s number.

“Kid, it’s moving day and you don’t even work here anymore,” Mr. Hogan said gruffly.

Peter sniffled. “Mr. Hogan, I have to tell you something really important about Spider-Man, and a guy named Mr. Toomes.”

**Author's Note:**

> That's all folks!
> 
> Please leave me a comment to let me know your thoughts, and a kudos if you were entertained.
> 
> As always, you can find me on Tumblr. I'm [@hanuko](https://hanuko.tumblr.com/) and I love answering questions, taking prompts, and just making new friends. Feel free to say hello!


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